Waking With the Dawn

 “Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.” (Euripides) 

Where are you, my love?  I cannot find you.  Cannot feel you.

You have left me. You are gone.  

Your life, departed from mine.

A year ago yesterday, we had one another. One last day. Together. 

Your body within me.  Moving. Breathing. Your heart beating.

By the night, you tossed around in a fitful rage as I read, prayed, and embraced you within me.  Gazed in marvel at your existence in my womb.  I spoke to you for the last time.

Then everything slowed down.  My world slowed down.  My life catapulted into an unknown fog.  

Where had you gone? 

I arose a year ago in the early morning hours...3 AM.  5:30 AM.  Off to work at 7 AM. 

And history repeats itself as your little brother stirred me to rise at those same hours this morning...to nurse, to feed, to hold, to soothe.  To feel heartbeat to heartbeat.  Chest to chest.  Body to body.  

If I place him down, he cries out in a despair...does he not feel you either?

Where are you?  Why did you leave? 

Your spirit departed from your body out of mine, and I knew you were gone...when you rolled within in the middle of the night...when I begged God to feel you as I tried to pray...when I drove to work fighting in my mind and what my heart already knew to be true. 

I was fighting it.  I was already in the thick of it. But I was blind. 

Why did this day have to come?  How has it been a year? 

And where are you? 

I saw the pink sunrise this morning as I nursed your brother.  But other than that, I don’t feel you close.  

Is it my exhaustion?  (I would be content to sleep the day away and pretend it is not here.)

Have I built up walls?  (I’m so tired of feeling.)

Am I avoiding beauty?  (It terrifies me that life goes on without you here.) 

Is it self preservation?  (It hurts to remember.) 

Am I feeling sorry for myself?  (This day is about you.) 

I don’t know what to do. How to spend the day.  Or how to honor you.  Honestly, I don’t want to, because that is proof that you are gone. Forever.  For the remainder of my earthly existence. 

But why can’t I feel you? 

A whole year. 

A whole year. 

And now...a new day.