Posts tagged stillbirthawareness
Finding You
Finding You

I shut my eyes in hopes of dreaming of you. Of finding you. Of you finding me.

I see you in my mind’s eye, and I speak your name on my heart. It rests on my tongue in a quiet sigh. No sound comes out. It’s stifled. Unreleased.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders, clenching myself tightly. I envision the weight of your small body against mine. Leaning into me. Pressing against me. Delicate arms wrapped tightly around me with your tiny jaw embedded into the nape of my neck.

In the bed. Holding you. Holding me. I need you to hold me.

I miss you so much.

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Stillbirth, control, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Losing control, Stillborn, Love, Bereaved Mother, PTSD, Life after loss, MissingEmma Jamesgrievingfamily, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterloss, life, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthblogger, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, stillbreathing, nofearinlove, suffering, longingheart, trauma, healing, bereavedmother, findingyou, transformation, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, newblogpost, sorrow, weary, childloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, losingcontrol, trust, wounded, surrender, infantlossawareness, control, grievingfather, postpartum, thrive, newnormal, grieving, newlife, lovingyou, dreamingofyou, newpost, achingheart, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyou, lament, heavenmeetsearth, infantloss, scars, ptsd, loss, forevermissed, infantlosssuppprt, wounds, foreverloved, controlling, stillbirth, lifeafterlossblogger, Stillbirth, waiting, longing, stillborn, Exhausted, loving, postpartumdepression, childlossawareness, newbeginnings, stillgrieving, missingyou, stillbornbutstillloved, love, grief, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, woundshealComment
This is Us
This is Us
Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma Jamesoutofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment
Thoughts
Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

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control, Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Missing, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Stillborn, Losing control, StillbirthEmma Jameslove, lovingyou, postpartum, memories, Stillbirth, achingheart, weary, childloss, longingheart, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, anxiety, loving, stillborn, ptsdrecovery, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, beloved, stillbreathing, may, stillbirth, stillbirthsupport, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, missingyou, confusion, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, anger, shame, control, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, outofcontrol, exhausted, trust, woundsheal, waiting, dreamingofyou, stillbornstillloved, suffering, findingyou, sorrow, bereavedmother, stillbirthmatters, stillbornawareness, surrender, stillbornbutstillloved, fear, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, infantlossawareness, lament, wounded, scars, Anger, grieving, Anxiety, Exhausted, stillgrieving, angry, infantloss, forevermissed, wounds, stilbirthawareness, Postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornstilloved, loss, stillbitter, infantlosssuppprt, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyouComment
Assumptions
Assumptions


I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY.  Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.”  That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her.  That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.”  We are not fully functioning.  We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own.  I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months.  Life still seems so out of control.

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grief, PTSD, control, Stillbirth, Trauma, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Losing control, MissingEmma Jamesweary, grieving, longingheart, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillgrieving, waiting, findingyou, beloved, grievingmother, grief, Bereaved Mother, nothingispermanent, Postpartum, newbegginings, oneyearanniversary, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, wounds, control, newblogpost, newbabyboy, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, newpost, stillbirthsupport, memories, stillbirthsurvivor, anxiety, love, missingyou, ptsdrecovery, surrender, achingheart, survivor, Stillbirth, parentingafterloss, Exhausted, stillbornawareness, thankful, grievingfather, running, woundsheal, healing, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, stillborn, lifeafterloss, infantloss, loving, trauma, wounded, stillbornstillloved, dadgrief, outofcontrol, lovingyou, suffering, trust, loss, grievingfamily, stillbirthblogger, hope, sorrow, infantlosssuppprt, Anger, alwaysmissingyou, stillbitter, bereavedmother, lament, fighterComment
Escape
Escape

Right now, I just need an escape.

An escape from this thing called life after loss; from this gray area of waiting.

Waiting for the pain to soften, for the memories to not break me in two, for the heaviness to lift.

I want a break.

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Missing, PTSD, Trauma, Stillbirth, Life after loss, grief, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma Jamesstillbirthawareness, Exhausted, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthblogger, grief, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterlossComment
Always Missing
Always Missing

After all, I am trying to mother a child who is always missing...that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and will be part of me forever.

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Life after loss, Missing, Shame, Trauma, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Searching, Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, control, StillbirthEmma Jameswounded, missingyou, newbeginnings, infantlosssuppprt, Anniversary, stillbirthmatters, stillbornstillloved, Bereaved Mother, healing, anniversary, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, Stillbirth, love, time, Postpartum, longingheart, oneyearanniversary, ptsdrecovery, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, angry, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, One year, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, grievingmother, loss, foreverloved, lifeafterlossblogger, bereavedmother, postpartum, newblogpost, findingyou, survivor, lament, waiting, newbabyboy, sorrow, scars, achingheart, grief, lifeafterloss, grieving, stillbirthsurvivor, trust, trauma, stillbirthawareness, weary, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbornComment
“All That Lives Forever”
“All That Lives Forever”

Missing you deeply today, my love, but finding you in the in between...

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Emma Jameswounded, suffering, stillborn, forevermissed, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, sorrow, love, loving, stillbirthsupport, stillbirth, nofearinlove, anniversary, findingyou, achingheart, stillbirthblogger, lovingyou, bereavedmother, grievingmother, grieving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, dreamingofyou, grief, trauma, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlossawareness, stillbornawareness, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblogger, loss, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblog, reallove, woundsheal, healing, infantlosssuppprt, lament, missingyou, stillbornstillloved, foreverloved, waiting, lifeafterloss, Stillbirth, stillbirthawareness, secretplace, longingheart, newpost, may, pregnancylossComment
Still Your Mother
Still Your Mother
Stillborn, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Shame, TraumaEmma Jamespregnancyloss, woundsheal, stillbornbutstillloved, sorrow, stillbitter, postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, Stillbirth, stillbornawareness, longingheart, lifeafterlossblog, dreamingofyou, weary, ptsdrecovery, stillbirthsurvivor, grief, newblogpost, lovingyou, bereavedmother, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, lifeafterloss, stillbirthblogger, suffering, grievingmother, anniversary, lament, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, mothersday, stillbirthmatters, loss, foreverloved, Anger, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, wounded, stillbirthbreakthesilence, achingheart, stillbirthawareness, love, missingyou, bereavedmothersday, grieving, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, findingyouComment
Your Month Arrived
Your Month Arrived

May is here. And May hurts.  Because May means you will be gone...forever...until we are reunited in heaven.

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Trauma, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillbirth, Stillborn, Life after loss, Bereaved Mother, PTSDEmma JamesPostpartum, sorrow, Anger, stillbirthblogger, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblog, Pregnancy after loss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, surrender, stillbirth, Trust, pregnancyloss, lifeafterlossblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthawareness, suffering, missingyou, trust, loss, postpartum, stillbornbutstillloved, lovingyou, love, weary, lament, achingheart, newlife, confusion, longingheart, trauma, anniversary, infantlosssuppprt, ptsdrecovery, transformation, grievingmother, outofcontrol, beloved, Stillbirth, scars, anxiety, wounded, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, grieving, losingcontrol, anger, life, findingyou, pregnancyafterloss, healing, loving, Explosions, stillborn, infantloss, grief, newpost, foreverloved, Anxiety, running, stillbirthsurvivor, bereavedmother, stillbirthsupportComment
Learning to Surrender
Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief.  No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing.  I was completely powerless.

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Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma Jameswounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment
Postpartum Days
Postpartum Days

Being home with your little brother, I’m so very much reminded of those early days at home without   you.   I sit on the sofa, nursing him, holding him tight, gazing at his small frame and features, and I listen to the birds sing outside and dive and dance in and out of our yard.  And I see you, colorless and empty of life, in a cold, dark hospital room.  And I remember how I came home and slept all night, stayed in bed until the afternoon, didn’t eat, and cried every waking hour and in between.  I’m reminded of how my body continued to move on without you...

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Stillbirth, Trauma, Shame, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, grief, Love, control, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after lossEmma Jameswounds, dreamingofyou, dreams, stillbornstillloved, surrender, survivor, newblogpost, infantlosssuppprt, sorrow, love, thanksgiving, woundsheal, loving, grievingmother, findingyou, confusion, hope, transformation, Pregnancy after loss, newpost, peace, grief, trauma, trust, scars, suffering, lifeafterloss, stillbirthmatters, change, Anger, lovingyou, achingheart, lifeafterlossblog, loss, grieving, newbabyboy, stillbirth, stillbornawareness, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, longingheart, bereavedmother, anger, wounded, infantlossawareness, shame, Postpartum, Stillbirth, Trust, stillbirthsupport, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblogger, angry, stillbirthsurvivor, infantloss, newbegginings, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthawareness, lament, stillbirthblogger, foreverloved, weary, belovedComment
11 Months (Revisiting)
11 Months (Revisiting)

I’m a day late, my love. Yesterday, it was 11 months. How have we happened upon one month shy of a full year? 

I know I haven’t written in a while, but so much has been moving and churning within the depths of my heart. It’s almost been too much to articulate admidst the exhaustion of daily life, grief, and pregnancy after loss.  However, I think you know. You’ve witnessed it all.

Eleven months ago, my world came crashing down when I received the most unimaginable news of my life...your heart had stopped beating just two weeks shy of your expected due date.

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Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Love, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamessurvivor, transformation, stillbirth, newbeginnings, grieving, fighter, newpost, trust, pregnancyafterloss, thankful, reallove, Pregnancy after loss, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbornawareness, loving, stillbirthblogger, forevermissed, longingheart, peace, grievingmother, stillbirthsupport, beloved, hope, love, missingyou, surrender, stillbornstillloved, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, healing, stillbirthmatters, infantlossawareness, stillborn, Stillbirth, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, suffering, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, Trust, waiting, trauma, stillbirthawareness, newblogpost, loss, lifeafterlossblog, findingyou, stillbirthsurvivor, gratitude, anniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, resurrection, infantlosssuppprt, nofearinlove, lifeafterloss, stillbirthswareness, lovingyou, newlife, grief, achingheartComment
Breathe You In
Breathe You In

 Heart of my heart

And

Flesh of my flesh.

I want to breathe you in

With my very breath. 

Draw you close to me

Near to my heart. 

Cling to you tightly, 

Never to depart.

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Love, grief, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Trauma, Life after loss, StillbornEmma Jamesbereavedmother, waiting, stillbornstillloved, newpost, stillbirth, lovingyou, lifeafterloss, woundsheal, weary, infantlosssuppprt, loving, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornawareness, prayer, grievingmother, stillbirthmatters, survivor, sorrow, stillbirthawareness, love, suffering, grief, stillbirthblogger, grieving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, achingheart, Stillbirth, wounds, infantloss, stillborn, newblogpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthsupport, wounded, loss, findingyouComment
Dreaming
Dreaming

Sometimes I like to sit and dream.  I like to dream that I’m living in an alternate reality. I allow my imagination to run wild and replay events of everyday life, which have you in them.

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Love, Bereaved Mother, Searching, Stillbirth, grief, Stillborn, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma Jamesthankful, lifeafterlossblogger, reallove, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, grievingmother, loss, stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, healing, bereavedmother, newpost, stillborn, thanksgiving, stillbirthsupport, beloved, loving, achingheart, findingyou, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, Trust, Stillbirth, grieving, forevermissed, stillbornawareness, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lovingyou, stillbornstillloved, transformation, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, love, hope, infantlossComment
Erupting
Erupting

My anger hasn’t been lying dormant by any means, but recently it has been making its way to the surface in bouts of explosions and eruptions.  And today is no different.  Can I make excuses for myself?

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Shame, PTSD, Pregnancy after loss, Life after loss, Stillborn, Trauma, Stillbirth, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, controlEmma JamesAnxiety, stillbirthawareness, Stillbirth, ptsdrecovery, Anger, Pregnancy after loss, bereavedmother, fear, Explosions, griefComment
Divided
Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender.  Giving it all to God.  Living with open hands.  Wanting God more than anything.  The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed.  Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss.  I wouldn’t choose your death.  I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief.  I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven.  The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered.  I was convicted, but not convinced.  I was divided.

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grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma Jamessorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment
Parallel Lines
Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again.  And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth.  Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants.  And I want to understand.  To see the bigger picture.  And how this journey ends. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jameslove, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment
No Fear in Love
No Fear in Love

I am learning that your love is molding me and shaping me into someone new.  That the old me is a discarded shell, and that’s simply okay.  I’m learning that loving you came with a cost, but I would never change it. 

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Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Trauma, Stillbirth, Life after loss, grief, Love, PTSD, Stillborn, Searching, Pregnancy after lossEmma Jameswaiting, love, stillbirthblogger, wounded, stillbornawareness, ptsdrecovery, suffering, scars, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, life, survivor, grievingmother, loss, findingyou, trust, sorrow, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornstillloved, wounds, grief, newblogpost, transformation, surrender, bereavedmother, infantlosssuppprt, infantlossawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, beloved, stillborn, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lifeafterlossblogger, hope, grieving, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbirth, foreverloved, healing, lifeafterloss, traumaComment
Watching Life Unfold
Watching Life Unfold

How is it that you’ve been gone for as long as you were with me?  From 38 weeks of growing you, to 38 weeks of life without you.

Time looks so differently.

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Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, PTSD, Stillbirth, grief, control, Stillborn, Life after loss, Searching, Losing control, TraumaEmma Jamesstillbirthmatters, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, confusion, running, stillbirth, fear, newpost, weary, stillborn, trust, stillbirthsupport, bereavedmother, loss, sorrow, lifeafterloss, Trust, losingcontrol, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, stillbornstillloved, anniversary, infantlossawareness, grief, surrender, hope, woundsheal, shame, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthawareness, grieving, outofcontrol, suffering, trauma, pregnancyafterloss, grievingmother, wounded, findingyou, love, achingheart, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fighter, time, wounds, healingComment