Posts tagged fear
Beauty From Ashes

Six months. Today, we celebrate six months of life. It’s your little brother’s half birthday. As I type this, he’s cuddled close to me, sucking on his pacifier, while his softie is nestled into his neck and lullabies lull him to sleep.  It’s beautiful. But it stings. It’s bittersweet...  I’m overcome with love for him and the joy he brings me to the point that I’m overwhelmed and brought to tears.  His breaths fall heavily on my arm, while you remained so still.  His little life, in my arms, because your life slipped through my hands.  Death literally passed through me, so a new life could be planted. Could grow. Could resurrect from the darkness and bring to fruition a redemption I had not thought possible.  There’s so much guilt.  But there’s so much love.  And grief, it still remains.

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Pregnancy after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Say their name, control, Love, Searching, Stillborn, Capture your grief, Missing, PTSD, Life after loss, griefEmma Jamesblessing, grievingfather, stilbirthawareness, scars, realtalk, bereavedmother, infantloss, pregnancyafterloss, Love letter, longingheart, waiting, Finding beauty, wounded, 6months, infantlosssuppprt, resurrection, trauma, stillbirthsurvivor, childloss, sixmonths, healingafterloss, fearfactor, grief, healing, newnormal, achingheart, suffering, Capture your grief, grace, stillbirth, shame, ptsd, trust, stillgrieving, stillbreathing, stillbirthmatters, newblogpost, 1in160, newbeginnings, grieving, hope, infantlossawareness, alwayssearching, saytheirname, longing, consolation, exhausted, alwayslovingyou, his perspective, thankful, Pregnancy after loss, losingcontrol, missingyou, Wisdom, foreverloved, grievingmother, stillborn, 2017, childlossawareness, nothingispermanent, Purpose, newpost, newsong, Anniversary, dadgrief, 38weeks, chosen, lifeafterlossblog, sorrow, reallove, grievingfamily, alwaysloved, Bereaved Mother, love, postpartum, captureyourgrief2018, lifeafterlossblogger, purpose, ptsdrecovery, loving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterloss, loveletter, woundsheal, Trust, Today, heavenmeetsearth, survivor, control, fear, notoverit, yourname, 1in4, alwaysmissingyou, babygirl, beloved, newlife, newbabyboy, stillbornbutstillloved, Stillbirth, forevermissed, may, Remembering, loss, gratitude, stillbirthblogger, memories, lovingyou, lament, stilborn, stillbirthsupport, transformation, weary, lifeafterloss, fighter, peace, dreamingofyou, surrender, nofearinlove, findingbeauty, dadsgrievetoo, findingyou, 6kids, anxiety, alwaysfindingyou, captureyourgrief, anniversaryComment
Thoughts
Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

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control, Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Missing, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Stillborn, Losing control, StillbirthEmma Jameslove, lovingyou, postpartum, memories, Stillbirth, achingheart, weary, childloss, longingheart, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, anxiety, loving, stillborn, ptsdrecovery, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, beloved, stillbreathing, may, stillbirth, stillbirthsupport, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, missingyou, confusion, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, anger, shame, control, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, outofcontrol, exhausted, trust, woundsheal, waiting, dreamingofyou, stillbornstillloved, suffering, findingyou, sorrow, bereavedmother, stillbirthmatters, stillbornawareness, surrender, stillbornbutstillloved, fear, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, infantlossawareness, lament, wounded, scars, Anger, grieving, Anxiety, Exhausted, stillgrieving, angry, infantloss, forevermissed, wounds, stilbirthawareness, Postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornstilloved, loss, stillbitter, infantlosssuppprt, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyouComment
Learning to Surrender
Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief.  No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing.  I was completely powerless.

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Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma Jameswounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment
Erupting
Erupting

My anger hasn’t been lying dormant by any means, but recently it has been making its way to the surface in bouts of explosions and eruptions.  And today is no different.  Can I make excuses for myself?

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Shame, PTSD, Pregnancy after loss, Life after loss, Stillborn, Trauma, Stillbirth, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, controlEmma JamesAnxiety, stillbirthawareness, Stillbirth, ptsdrecovery, Anger, Pregnancy after loss, bereavedmother, fear, Explosions, griefComment
Divided
Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender.  Giving it all to God.  Living with open hands.  Wanting God more than anything.  The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed.  Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss.  I wouldn’t choose your death.  I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief.  I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven.  The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered.  I was convicted, but not convinced.  I was divided.

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grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma Jamessorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment
Parallel Lines
Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again.  And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth.  Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants.  And I want to understand.  To see the bigger picture.  And how this journey ends. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jameslove, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment
Watching Life Unfold
Watching Life Unfold

How is it that you’ve been gone for as long as you were with me?  From 38 weeks of growing you, to 38 weeks of life without you.

Time looks so differently.

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Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, PTSD, Stillbirth, grief, control, Stillborn, Life after loss, Searching, Losing control, TraumaEmma Jamesstillbirthmatters, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, confusion, running, stillbirth, fear, newpost, weary, stillborn, trust, stillbirthsupport, bereavedmother, loss, sorrow, lifeafterloss, Trust, losingcontrol, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, stillbornstillloved, anniversary, infantlossawareness, grief, surrender, hope, woundsheal, shame, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthawareness, grieving, outofcontrol, suffering, trauma, pregnancyafterloss, grievingmother, wounded, findingyou, love, achingheart, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fighter, time, wounds, healingComment
The Secret Place
The Secret Place

You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate.You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you. 

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Shame, abuse, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, grief, PTSD, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, controlEmma Jamesgrieving, stillbirthblogger, stillbirthsupport, lament, achingheart, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, wounded, newblogpost, surrender, running, grievingmother, losingcontrol, anxiety, Trust, stillbirth, waiting, trauma, woundsheal, stillbirthbreakthesilence, weary, survivor, trust, bereavedmother, outofcontrol, scars, lifeafterloss, pregnancyafterloss, shame, ptsdrecovery, fear, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, abusesurvivor, suffering Comment
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

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control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
Eight Months
Eight Months

I do not know where I am going.  But I need to go SOMEWHERE. 

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control, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, grief, Losing control, PTSD, TraumaEmma Jamessurrender, anniversary, ptsdrecovery, losingcontrol, wounded, grief, stillbirthawareness, infantloss, bereavedmother, trauma, stillbirthmatters, trust, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, infantlosssuppprt, fear, outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirth, newpost, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterloss, stillborn, shame, suffering, infantlossawareness, loss, stillbirthsupport, achingheart, lament, grieving, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, stillbirthbreakthesilenceComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
The Hall of Shame
The Hall of Shame

I hated that moment of utter shame, and for some reason my heart is revisiting that space of heartbreak tonight when I felt complete despair and profound confusion.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet, I felt like I was being punished.  I wanted to die in that moment.

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Shame, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth, Trauma, griefEmma Jamesstillbirthbreakthesilence, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, trauma, bereavedmother, suffering, lifeafterloss, newblogpost, grieving, surrender, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterlossblog, fear, wounded, infantlosssuppprt, achingheart, infantlossawareness, stillbirthawareness, newpost, shame, survivor, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmattersComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment
Ambushed
Ambushed

Last week I was ambushed.  Under attack.  And I couldn’t escape it.  Couldn’t find my way out. 

My enemy was myself.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My fears.  My anxiety.  I made myself a prisoner.  A slave to irrational behavior, motives, and beliefs.

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Stillbirth, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, PTSD, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesshame, newpost, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, lifeafterloss, fear, grief, losingcontrol, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthawarenessComment
Waking Up
Waking Up

I didn’t want to sleep, because I didn’t want to awake and realize that this wasn’t all a terribly bad dream...for my life and for her life.  That in our waking moments, we live a nightmare that we will never awake from.  

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Emma Jamesbereavedmother, lifeafterlossblog, scars, stillbirthsupport, grieving, lifeafterlossblogger, newblogpost, lament, stillbirthsurvivor, fear, stillbirthawareness, survivor, lifeafterloss, suffering, loss, newpost, stillbirthComment
Running
Running

So I run.  And I look back.  Because I wonder if I can out run reality...but it’s catching me.  This little girl sees it.  And she’s terrified. 

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Emma Jamesbereavedmother, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, losingcontrol, 6months, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, loss, stillbornstillloved, lifeafterloss, newpost, newblogpost, stillborn, shame, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, suffering, abusesurvivor, scars, lament, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fear, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, abuseComment