Shame — stillbirth — still breathing

Walls

Anger, Love, Missing, abuse, control, Losing control, Broken relationships, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, griefEmma JamesMarch 1, 2019GriefComment

Rescue

“I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night...

I will never stop marchin’ to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...

I hear you whisper underneath your breath. I hear you whisper you have nothing left...

It’s true, I will rescue you...”

Stillborn, Chaos, abuse, Missing, Life after loss, control, Shame, Searching, Trauma, Love, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Anger, griefEmma JamesJanuary 28, 2019Exhausted, lifeafterloss, Grief, StruggleComment

Mending

“The friendship which can cease has never been real.” (St. Jerome)

Honor

Love Letter

Transformed

Who am I now? How has this experience changed me? I hesitate to even call it an experience. It was and is so much more than that. It was stillbirth. It was losing a child. It is loss. And it is grief. But nonetheless, I am different.

Transformed, however, makes it seem as though I have come to the end of this difficult road. I am ever evolving. Ever changing. In each day, each moment, in each breath...I am transforming.

Wisdom

Dear Friend, I’m sorry that someone in your life has experienced the greatest loss—the loss of a child. You must feel so sad, yet so awkward...so unsure as to what you should do. Because, what can you do? What can you say? You can say nothing. You can do nothing. Just be. Just be there for them. Nothing will fix this. Nothing will take away their pain. Nothing will make them feel better. No cliches, no words of wisdom, no biblical quote or spiritual truth. Nothing.

Shame, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Say their name, Stillbirth, Missing, Stillborn, Capture your griefEmma JamesOctober 7, 2018Wisdom, Stillbirth, Exhausted, childloss, childlossawareness, Capture your griefComment

This is Us

Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma JamesJuly 12, 2018outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment

Assumptions

I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY. Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.” That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her. That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.” We are not fully functioning. We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own. I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months. Life still seems so out of control.

grief, PTSD, control, Stillbirth, Trauma, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Losing control, MissingEmma JamesJune 19, 2018weary, grieving, longingheart, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillgrieving, waiting, findingyou, beloved, grievingmother, grief, Bereaved Mother, nothingispermanent, Postpartum, newbegginings, oneyearanniversary, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, wounds, control, newblogpost, newbabyboy, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, newpost, stillbirthsupport, memories, stillbirthsurvivor, anxiety, love, missingyou, ptsdrecovery, surrender, achingheart, survivor, Stillbirth, parentingafterloss, Exhausted, stillbornawareness, thankful, grievingfather, running, woundsheal, healing, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, stillborn, lifeafterloss, infantloss, loving, trauma, wounded, stillbornstillloved, dadgrief, outofcontrol, lovingyou, suffering, trust, loss, grievingfamily, stillbirthblogger, hope, sorrow, infantlosssuppprt, Anger, alwaysmissingyou, stillbitter, bereavedmother, lament, fighterComment

Always Missing

After all, I am trying to mother a child who is always missing...that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and will be part of me forever.

Life after loss, Missing, Shame, Trauma, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Searching, Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, control, StillbirthEmma JamesJune 7, 2018wounded, missingyou, newbeginnings, infantlosssuppprt, Anniversary, stillbirthmatters, stillbornstillloved, Bereaved Mother, healing, anniversary, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, Stillbirth, love, time, Postpartum, longingheart, oneyearanniversary, ptsdrecovery, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, angry, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, One year, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, grievingmother, loss, foreverloved, lifeafterlossblogger, bereavedmother, postpartum, newblogpost, findingyou, survivor, lament, waiting, newbabyboy, sorrow, scars, achingheart, grief, lifeafterloss, grieving, stillbirthsurvivor, trust, trauma, stillbirthawareness, weary, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbornComment

A Year in Words

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” (Rose Kennedy)

Still Your Mother

Stillborn, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Shame, TraumaEmma JamesMay 14, 2018pregnancyloss, woundsheal, stillbornbutstillloved, sorrow, stillbitter, postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, Stillbirth, stillbornawareness, longingheart, lifeafterlossblog, dreamingofyou, weary, ptsdrecovery, stillbirthsurvivor, grief, newblogpost, lovingyou, bereavedmother, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, lifeafterloss, stillbirthblogger, suffering, grievingmother, anniversary, lament, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, mothersday, stillbirthmatters, loss, foreverloved, Anger, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, wounded, stillbirthbreakthesilence, achingheart, stillbirthawareness, love, missingyou, bereavedmothersday, grieving, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, findingyouComment

Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief. No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing. I was completely powerless.

Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma JamesApril 30, 2018wounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment

Postpartum Days

Being home with your little brother, I’m so very much reminded of those early days at home without you. I sit on the sofa, nursing him, holding him tight, gazing at his small frame and features, and I listen to the birds sing outside and dive and dance in and out of our yard. And I see you, colorless and empty of life, in a cold, dark hospital room. And I remember how I came home and slept all night, stayed in bed until the afternoon, didn’t eat, and cried every waking hour and in between. I’m reminded of how my body continued to move on without you...

Stillbirth, Trauma, Shame, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, grief, Love, control, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after lossEmma JamesApril 25, 2018wounds, dreamingofyou, dreams, stillbornstillloved, surrender, survivor, newblogpost, infantlosssuppprt, sorrow, love, thanksgiving, woundsheal, loving, grievingmother, findingyou, confusion, hope, transformation, Pregnancy after loss, newpost, peace, grief, trauma, trust, scars, suffering, lifeafterloss, stillbirthmatters, change, Anger, lovingyou, achingheart, lifeafterlossblog, loss, grieving, newbabyboy, stillbirth, stillbornawareness, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, longingheart, bereavedmother, anger, wounded, infantlossawareness, shame, Postpartum, Stillbirth, Trust, stillbirthsupport, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblogger, angry, stillbirthsurvivor, infantloss, newbegginings, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthawareness, lament, stillbirthblogger, foreverloved, weary, belovedComment

Erupting

My anger hasn’t been lying dormant by any means, but recently it has been making its way to the surface in bouts of explosions and eruptions. And today is no different. Can I make excuses for myself?

Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender. Giving it all to God. Living with open hands. Wanting God more than anything. The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed. Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss. I wouldn’t choose your death. I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief. I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven. The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered. I was convicted, but not convinced. I was divided.

grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma JamesMarch 1, 2018sorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment

The Secret Place

You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate.You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you.

Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.” (St. Faustina)

The Hall of Shame

I hated that moment of utter shame, and for some reason my heart is revisiting that space of heartbreak tonight when I felt complete despair and profound confusion. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet, I felt like I was being punished. I wanted to die in that moment.

A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief. Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart. I felt the pain again. All of it. Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.