The Secret Place

Is this me at the epitome of humility?  The core of my inmost being?  Bent over in half before you?  Pleading? Begging?  Crying out in sorrow my grief and confusion?  Asking all the “why’s” of this mess of my life?

What is going on?  What is happening?

I’m exposed. Vulnerable. Shackled by my insecurities. Make the lies in my mind cease.

The enemy is breathing heavy on me. Doubt. Disbelief. Telling me I’m inadequate. Less than.  I need you more than I ever have in my entire life.

Is that the purpose of all of this?  To recognize that I am broken and spent and useless and nothing?  And that you are everything?  And without you, I am a shell of a person. I am so empty.  I am ashamed.

I need a release. I need some hope. I need to feel something other than sorrow and grief.

I don’t feel like you have left me. I know you are still here. In fact, you might feel the closest ever.

But I am so confused. Because even with you here, this all still hurts so very much.  My humanity, sitting right in front of me. I am stripped bare. My soul exposed.  I can’t do this alone. How can I dare take another step?  Another breath? Compose another thought?  Utter another word?

I scream inside, and I cry out to you. My tears fall endlessly...night and day. They rest on the edge of my eyes. My emotions on my sleeve.  I cannot control them. Cannot reign them in.  But with you, there is peace. Even in the hurt. And it’s only been a month since I invited you back into my heart.  How did I dare live those six months before?  How did I survive?  I’m barely surviving now.

I can’t fight this fight alone. I can’t climb this mountain without you by my side.  Breathe into me. Restore me. Give me help. Give me hope. Breathe new life into me. Resurrect me in my brokenness.  Strip away my false selves. 

But to feel persecuted, humiliated, alone, abandoned....like you did...crucified. To feel everything inside of me bleeding out for all to see...like you did...hanging there.

This is so unbelievably hard. I don’t know why you’ve asked this of me. One day, will I be grateful?

Right now, I’m trying to keep my eyes on you. I keep tripping. And stumbling. And losing my way.  I’m in my agony. I’m in my doubt. I’m in my despair.  The darkness is so deep. 

Rescue me. Comfort me.  Console me. Heal me.  Provide for me. Strengthen me. Do not step away from me.  I’m scared. I’m lost.  I’m so confused. My heart, so hurt.  Let me know how much I need you, even when it seems impossible.  Bring me the peace I seek.

If I can’t have her, bring me you. If I can’t hold her, hold me.  If she can’t dwell within, then reside in me.  If I can’t look at her, let me see you.  If I can’t hear her, then speak so clearly.  If I can’t arise early to her, then meet with me.  If I can’t be her mother here, then be my Father now.

Don’t leave me orphaned. Don’t leave me abandoned. You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate. You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you.